Dilemmas of the twenty-first century

It is always difficult to cut the ties that bind.

There has to be good reason. I have to remind myself of the reasons. Then I have to do it again. I keep with the reminders on every spare piece of paper. I delve into old emails and diaries. I remember old conversations. I remember the thousands of text messages. Oh what I could have purchased! I phone a friend for confirmation. I write you into the ether. I write where you’ll never read. Almost a pity, that.

This week has not been good for me. I thought I had this sorted. I thought I had it thoroughly thought out, analysed, compartmentalised. Maybe I have. I cannot take the nowhere land of your friendship. We do not and never have had the kind of relationship where there can be gaps of months. I am almost surprised that you thought we had. It may have been my obsession but you played up to it far too much. Maybe it made you feel good.

I thought I was doing rather well. Sorting things and figuring my life out. Fighting the eternal battle, you know the one, against my chaos. Some things just don’t seem to change. I have a sort of equilibrium. I have a sense of something pending. I know I’m in an in-between stage. I know you don’t feature. You never featured. You never wanted to. I sometimes wonder about that. If I could speak to you I’d be tempted to ask why. I probably wouldn’t pick up the phone though. Some things are so thoroughly past and must remain that way.

So I have removed myself from your vanity list. I have deleted your email. I’d block you but that seems childish. You are entitled to right of reply. You are entitled to question me, should you choose to. No, wait, you never choose to. I don’t expect to hear from you. Yet I find that I cannot remove your phone number. I remember too well your sweet awkwardness as you gave me the number, making sure your name was spelled correctly. I remember the strange calls, the painful silences, the arguments. The text messages never replied to. So why did the last time surprise me?

For years you were there for me. You were happy to listen and offer advice. You were a support and a friend, when it suited you.

I was there for you. You never needed me. Not once. Or did I just not notice?


Snip.