Whingy little bitchy

I don't know if I'm over-reacting but I'm starting to suspect that there's going to be some serious conflict between me and my family regarding my immediate life plans. They seem to have come up, without any discussion with me, with a map of my future. One that suits their plans, correction, one that suits their needs. Actually, it's mostly just my mother and sister. They've been determined to hold on to me my whole life. Really hold on. So much so that I am starting to feel smothered. Smothered and a bit fucking annoyed.
I can accept that my sister needs always to live in close proximity to our parents. I can accept that she will follow them wherever they go - and I don't doubt that she will. I can accept that she will always feel the need to have her family all around even though I do not consent to be party to it. I can accept an awful lot of things about what she deems right and correct in her life. What I cannot accept is her underlying determination that I shall, eventually, accede to her wishes and her plans for me. She has a strong will. I would have thought that, by now, she might realise that I have one too. I am aware that she does not like my plans. She has not liked my plans for years. She did not like my moving away and she does not like my staying away. There is part of her, despite my constant refusal and protestations to the contrary, that still believes that I will move to small-town-land, to Hicksville, and be happy. To be happy in place where I dislike the climate, the people, the mentality, and the society in general. To be happy where I hate.
There's also my mother. She wants me to be wealthy and successful. These would reflect well on her. I do not doubt that she loves me, that either of them love me, but they want far more from me than I am willing to give. They want all of me and I want all of me. My mother wants me to compete in ways that she was unwilling to do so. She also wants me as an eternal child. There are contradictions. I am supposed to make up my own mind but also to do what is wanted from me. Perhaps I am supposed to make up my mind to do what they want? My mother wants my free time. Wants to know all of my business. All. Always. I thought about it recently and I realised that all the leave I'd taken from work in the last couple of years had been spent with my family. This means that I have either had them with me in Sydney or I have travelled to them. Almost as though there are no other options in life. Nowhere else to go, no other plans I could make, nothing else. I am made, because she is a master manipulator, my mother, to feel guilty for expressing so much as a want of anything else. 'But don't you want to see Mummy?' Well yes, and no, I'm nearly thirty, I may be your child but I am not a child. You need to let me go. You need to accept that what I want - no matter the holes you see in my plans, or the conflict it provokes, or the thousand things that could go wrong - is right for me.
What I want, and really, you should have seen this coming, is to go away again. Farther away. For quite a long time. Distance from them has, for me, been a necessity. I need to know that I do not need to be looked after, that I can make decisions. I need to know who I am and what I want. Not who they think I am and what they want for me. I need them to treat me as an adult but I don't know how to make them do so. I would like them to listen when I complain but I have stopped because they intervene in stupid and embarrassing ways. 'But Mummy was just trying to help.' No, Mummy was just trying to interfere. Not trying, succeeding.
I want to be oh-so-bloody-Australian and go to see the world, live in the world, escape this island for just a little bit. I want to know that it's really there. I want to know that it's really worth it. I do not want to live the life of my parents [I did for years, it's called childhood, it was a bit dull and full of created stresses that I do not want.]. I do not want o live the life of my sister. I will not live aimlessly until I accidentally fall pregnant and then live for my child. There has to be something else. There are quite a lot of something elses.
Alas, my plans are soon. Near future. Actual plans, not 'one day I'll'... One day is over. Time is passing, has passed. Some things have a limited shelf-life. Sometimes there is a now or never and I am rapidly approaching it. I know that, to a certain extent, the indefinite holding pattern that I have let myself fall into suits them. It has stopped suiting me. A brief check into reality has me earning nothing, paying to much rent, working in a pointless, dull, mind destroying job, spending far too much time alone, becoming a person that I really do not like. Too much nastiness, gossip, bitchiness. Too much aimlessness. To much ignoring of my own beliefs and truths. A belief that what I think, what I believe is invalid. That what I want is invalid. I want and plan to change. I plan to do what I want. I feel myself to be selfish for wanting to live my life on my terms. Why in hell should I feel selfish? Of course, I will be considered so despite the fact that they are all in good health and much as they think they might need me their need is a mere want. They are none of them dependent on me for money or care. They can live with my presence elsewhere as easily as here.
Oh well, guess I'll see.