I know that is surprises you. I do seem like such a loving kind person, after all.
Last night I dreamt* of death and destruction and alien invasion. Hey, it’s not that weird they keep probing my father – I think there’s a genetic link. It wasn’t so much invasion as benevolent homicide. Don’t tell me there’s no such thing, just ask any dictator or religious nut; sometimes you need to get the squirrels to throw the bad nuts down the rubbish chute. That’s what the aliens were doing. Now, I don’t know what their criterion was and I didn’t care to ask. Sufficed to say, I passed. At least, I think I passed. I was left alive and was rounded up but in this game of life the ultimate aim is to remain alive, isn’t it? Oh how I wish I’d had a religious upbringing then I’d have had someone telling me what I was to believe. I’d have those bizarre religious and moral parameters that make some people such good and confident liars. No, that’s wrong isn’t it? It’s meant to be the reverse. Oh for some guidance! Quick, someone tell me what to think!
I think it might help to describe my alien mentor. He’d modelled himself off a college boy from Iowa. He was quite patient in answering my questions and his sense of humour seemed uneasy in his skin. He kept saying things like, ‘oh, you’re a one,’ and ‘you always used to make us laugh.’ To be perfectly honest I thought he seemed a little dim to be an alien mentor but it might just have been the persona he’d adopted. He was open and honest in his commentary and answered the questions I asked. The others didn’t seem that keen on asking anything, they were all a bit wide-eyed and tongue-tied. They seemed to feel there was something amiss about an Iowa-skinned alien mentor. He took it in his stride and I followed suit. He wasn’t sure why they’d been saved either but orders are orders and that kind of rot. Besides, you can always kill people off later if you were wrong about them in the first instance.
The being saved thing seemed like it would be a drag as he droned on and on about negating the impact of humans upon the world. He was big on rehabilitating zoo animals, on sending them home. He was big on increasing, or is that decreasing, the numbers of endangered species. He didn’t follow the theory that this was a natural thing – the annihilation of other species, global warming, and all that stuff that is contentious before the alien mentors come along. He seemed pretty cut up about the whole thing actually. He kept using words like ‘bloody’, ‘semi-evolved-monkey-folk’, ‘idiocy’, ‘scour’, and ‘planet’. It all became something of a blur. For a while it seemed like the plan was to make us chosen ones physically eradicate the signs of unchecked uncivilisation. That, apparently, meant that we’d be pulling the cities apart – brick by brick. It was to be in the form of a lesson, it wasn’t as though they lacked the technology. This had me all over pragmatic – what of my things? How were we to live? It was all to be sorted out later; it was just one of those kinds of invasions. They decided, in the end, to let us keep our things, in perfect working order, and to preserve the supermarkets so we could eat. We’d later be trained in the better ways.
Most of this came about as we talked. Their plans didn’t seem to be set in concrete and, to be honest, I think they were expecting a better reaction. The reaction hadn’t been good. It’s never good to smite all those in the light and preserve those out of it. Seemed to make people think there was a holocaust or something. It left a lot of people, many of whom were in hysterics. One of whom I had to lend my ipod because he was screeching as the alien mentor appeared and it was deemed suitable for soothing his savaged soul. You’d think that seeing people vanish into piles of ash was an unusual experience. We’d all thought that nothing would work, nothing electrical, at least. But the mentor and his mates could switch all things off like lights. Things have gotten better since then, almost as though it never happened.
That guy still has my ipod though and I’m working on the mentor to smite him.
* Yes, I’m sorry, it’s that kind of a blog with that kind of a post. Stay with it and I’ll get on to my inability to form decent relationships. Eventually, I’ll discuss menstruation.