Friday, June 09, 2006

Madly and haphazardly.

I had a rental inspection today. This meant that for the last few days I’ve been madly and haphazardly cleaning my flat. The flat looks pretty good all things considered. I mean, the carpet is clearly both older and more worn than I am, I reckon it could give me ten years, the ceiling is knobbly grey cementy stuff, and the paint was obviously applied by an amateur with an unexpected fondness for the crackle effect. Otherwise, the cheap and shoddy tiles and fixtures can be made to look reasonable. In short, despite how one may try not even the most OCD of OCD types could make this place proclaim ‘an OCD person lives here’. In shorter, I think it’s impossible to make this place look really good. All I managed was to make it look cleanish and to do something nasty to my sinuses with the mould remover.
The inspectoress was manicured, made-up, and dressed to impress in the way of those whose income is dependant on encouraging people to rent rather shitty places for enormous sums. I am wearing jeans, an old but warm shirt, and purple slippers with stuffed pink cats on them. I felt every inch of those stuffed pink cats as she looked me up and down and relegated me to her dole-bludger box. I’ve often noticed that people who have only ever worked day jobs don’t quite understand the concept of shift workers. I thought I was doing quite well given that I would, normally, still have been asleep at 10am. She walked in, took one look at me, and sneered an introduction. I curtly replied and told her to feel free to wander about. I went back to the couch, the tv, and a lovely cup of tea. She went to the kitchen with her important little clipboard and looked for whatever she was looking for. She wandered back into the living room ad we had the most marvellous of conversations. Said she, ‘Those are unusual marks on the ceiling. What are they?’ Said me, ‘Yes, they are. I’ve no idea what made them, they were here when I moved in.’ Said she, ‘I’ll just put down that there are unusual marks on the ceiling.’ Said me, ‘Uh huh.’ It occurs to me that they obviously come into houses blind, that is, without a history to compare with. I wonder if she always walks into places and expects the perfection of a shiny new abode rather than the degenerated old-whore-ness of a long term rental.
As she stomped about my flat (very lady-like stomping, people who can walk nicely ought not to wear high heels) I realised that she’d been the one I’d heard stomping about downstairs. She must have been doing the whole block. I was probably the only one at home. I was probably the only person to give her attitude as well. I don’t like inspections, especially from this group of realtors. After my last inspection with them they put my rent up. They put it up quite a lot. I’ll be fucked if they do that again. I bet I failed my inspection. Oh well.

Also, I went to post this and blogger was having a d&c. What’s with that?

19 comments:

Don Quixote said...

I lived in a one bedroom apartment for two years and didn't have an inspection once. I guess they figured that they'd rented out such a shithole that they couldn't do any further damage.

Fuck 'em, if they raise the rent on you, you should look for a new place.

phishez_rule said...

My old place was SHIT. They had spent an absolute fortune doing up the floorboards, and then pained the walls in baby pink and blue (suspect it was undercoat, never to be painted over again), and splotched paint all over the floor!

Mark said...

I must be living in Don's old place...

nailpolishblues said...

I have the cuntiest realtors in Newtown. Seriously. Their receptionist has a reputation for being one of the vilest bitches in the industry.

Oh Don, you don't understand! In this area what I have is pretty fucking good for what I pay.

phishez - that must have been a horror with hangovers ;)

LiSh said...

I'll just be glad I no longer have to deal with that shite (having worked 7 years in real estate)

themarina said...

Blogger has been acting all weird lately. Hopefully it's fixed for good now!

I'm not sure about these inspections. Is it just an Australian thing? They don't do these in Canada...or at least not anywhere I've lived!

Have a great weekend!

nailpolishblues said...

Lish, tell me - what are they actually looking for so very intently? Seven years? Are you thawing out now? ;)

Marina, I am so very envious. I'm sure they do them just to make sure the places get cleaned occassionally...

phishez_rule said...

Absolutely horrible. Thankfully I don't tend to notie much when I'm hungover. And the days when I have to notice stuff I'm at work.

LiSh said...

Essentially looking for your meth lab, pot plants (not the flowery type) holes in walls, drug paraphenalia campfires in loungerooms, illicit adult film industry in the backrooms kinda stuff (yes I found most of these things).

What can i say, I fell into the business due to desperation and forgot to leave.

Then again is hospitality any better... today I got given flowers by a girl (who we think is an ex man and a prostitute) before we pissed off some teenagers in their room who set off the fire alarm (bonus, did get to check out the firies who attended!)

Mark said...

I think it would interesting, if a bit depressing, to inspect people's houses for a living. What with all the bonfires and bongs and such.

nailpolishblues said...

Oh dear, I do hope she knows her herbs. But that does explain her furious notetaking in the kitchen, Lish. I wonder what she was writing...'unusual thing in the kitchen - green with leaves, by window...wonder what it is?' Those people you've inspected do make me seem awfully lame.
Mark, I had the impression that the inspection wench rather enjoys the self-righteous joy she gets from seeing how the other half live.

Fourth Son said...

Nails' it isn't Kelly's you have to deal with is it!!

If it is I do extend my most heart felts. When I was renting I was lucky..., got the nice old lady who you just paid the rent to and she never bothered you unless you missed the more than 2 weeks.

Miss Q said...

I thought you said 'rectal inspection'.

nailpolishblues said...

Not Kelly and Sons - I heart them, rented with them for ages and never a problem. I also heart a certain bar of a very similar name... Nice to see you outside the arena, Fourth :)

Rinns: would like swabs with that?

LiSh said...

It's great fun explaining to your boss why the cupboard is lined out with builders foil, why the hose is getting progressively shorter, why there's a light in the cupboard and smatterings of dirt from when the rotten little teenagers got evicted.... explaining with a straight face... and trying to say how you know those things without leaping into the chasm of 'been there, done that'.
That's the fun stuff... going to court to throw illiterate twats out on their ears is slightly less fun.. even though they said they were leaving... stopped paying rent.. and signed a 'Notice of Intent to Leave'..
special

jth said...

I think there is an unspoken cuntiness law about people with clipboards. That law increases exponentially when they work in real estate.

TimT said...

And when you said 'I curtly replied', I thought you said, 'I cuntly replied', which would have been interesting to hear.

nailpolishblues said...

Ah, Lish, it's clearly been a seedy life [fun as it sounds?].. ;)

JtH - also if they happen to be one of the aged whore-bags I call 'boss'...

Tim - I'm depressed, please write me a story about someone who cuntly replies.

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