Number 1
Simply has to be brides. I am well over brides. And no, it’s not a jealousy thing; it is because they, like new parents, are incredibly dull whilst thinking they’re all fascinating and wonderful. I really do not care if the bridesmaids’ knicker elastic doesn’t match the border on the table decoration and the groomsmen’s buttonholes. I especially do not care, and given how little I do care this isn’t saying much, if I don’t know you very well and you’re organising it whilst we, or should I say, I work. No really, still not caring about how much the frock material costs by the millimetre. If it’s so fucking expensive then don’t have fourteen bridesmaids. And, for fuck’s sake, don’t whinge to me about how much it all costs. The law does not state that to wed someone you need purchase a thousand dollar cake, or have four hundred guests, or wear million dollar a centimetre genuine hand made French lace from the twelfth century. Last I heard it was an official and some witnesses – rings are optional [tho if you’re ugly I hear that paper bags are quite the thing]. So, quite frankly, to brides everywhere: grow up, get the fuck over yourselves and FOR THE LOVE OF YOUR REALLY FUCKING IRRITATING GODS SHUT UP.
Number 2
Being ignored. I don’t like to be ignored. It’s really not something I do to people purposely. I certainly do not use it when they’ve pissed me off. It doesn’t get anywhere. Actually that’s not true. It is a fucking awesome way to tick me off and turn me into a head case. And if you think I need help with that then you’re a whole lot stupider than I thought. So if you want to really tick me off then by all means ignore me but remember than nothing creates more bile. And I’m not one for holding the yicky stuff in.
Number 3
Not being an actual psychopath. I know there’ll be disagreement on this point but, honestly, if I were a genuine psychopath I’d have killed an old lady by now or at least put in some serious torture-of-small-animals time. Were I a genuine psychopath I’d have figured out a better way of dealing with the lying, sycophantic old bitch that I work with. Preferably one that didn’t leave fingerprints. I haven’t and so am quite at a loss. Fuck I wish I were a psychopath.
Number 4
Look, aren’t three enough? It’s all more more more with you people. Damn I hate ‘you people’. Also, seriously fed up with having to deal with everyone else’s prejudice; it’s bullshit and I don’t want to be drawn on it. Please stop assuming that I totally lack all racial/cultural/ethnic sensitivity because I’m an Australian of a mongrel European background. And also, please stop with the faux pas in my presence – I’m cringing for you, fucktard.
7 comments:
I bloody HATE brides and the continuous bitching about this and that really pisses me off. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't set a date yet. I'm not sure I'm ready to turn into THAT!
"Not being an actual psychopath."
You know, it's never too late for a career change...
Just tell them you were spending a lot of time on the internet and it fucked you up.
"Fuck I wish I were a psychopath."
Damn those moral compunctions! Damn them to hell! If only we could have them surgically removed, like gallstones!
Marina, I'm pretty sure you won't turn into that. I can't see you suddenly losing your passion for, say, movies or even channeling it into something so incredibly dull. Bet you have the best wedding dvd ever tho.
Mark, oh if I thought I could...
Tim, I like the way you think.
And boys, what's with the quoting back at me? It's creepy. Keep it up and I'll have to track you down and kill you, etc etc, blah blah.
I find brides just a little bit scary.
And:
"Damn those moral compunctions! Damn them to hell! If only we could have them surgically removed, like gallstones!"
That's a John Howard quotation, right?
Working with old crones Protip: equip yourself with an Ipod at all times. When they try and speak to you, pretend you can't hear her. This is one of the techniques I use for the assholery that goes in in my workplace.
I can't stand the whole whinge factor associated with it, and how much money the BRIDAL industry is making out of all those wally's who insist on buying (and then using as their wedding Bible) those door stop Bridal magazines... what a load of absolute high-foluting crap!
I've got friends who had to decide about bolting and getting married in Fiji - complete with 2 week holiday/honeymoon - or putting on the Ritz with a complete catholic wedding here at home for one day.
Geuss which one costs more?
Now geuss which one they eventually chose... Yep... obligation got the better of her (and a want of a white wedding) and she's paying double now for a Wedding at home with a small honeymoon to keep everyone happy.
I shake my head at her, and wonder which part of DUMB will slap her between the eyeballs and hopefully wake her up.
I doubt it will happen... and now she'll almost stress herself to death trying to get the right outfit for the right light, at the 'right' price for the right frame... those stupid bloody left over traditions and the Bridal industry have a LOT to answer for... who in their right mind remortgages their house to GET MARRIED?!
Worse...? I'm the BEst Man - and I have to wear a suit... oh - when will it end?
*sighhhhhhhhh*
What are people doing with their heads mate - not bloody thinking that's for sure!!!
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