I have a few days off next week so I'm sitting here planning what I am going to do and what I need to do and writing lists. It's moments like these where I feel that my life my has gone tragically wrong and that my youth has faded. It's moments like these where I am always, remorselessly, melodramatic.
Next Friday I'm going to Newcastle. There's something about spending something like 4-5hours on trains in one day that just depresses the hell out of me. I must try not to focus on it. Maybe I will buy myself a new book as compensation. It'll have to be fiction, trains ruin my concentration.
Facebook is making me feel old, isolated, and friendless - none of which are actually true. I'm also having the weirdness of having two parts of my life that just don't meet - and both of them online. That sounds silly, It's not two parts of my life, it's two parts of my personality and they do meet, really, because they are me and the one bleeds into the other. Unsurprizing, welcome to me. It would be weird now to tell everyone about this.
Also, I told my mother the reason that I wasn't doing anything this weekend. It's because I'm pretty much broke. Conversations about money with my mother always make me feel like a failure. I admit that I'm an underachiever. I admit that I'm doing a job that wastes my education and my intellect. I know that I'm in a bit of a mess financially and that I could take steps to fix it or, at least lessen it. I know that I have brought [and bought] this on myself - I know I know I know I know and I know I will fix it. I admit that I've been lazy and, worse, stupid. But, hey, I look after myself in ways that she never has. I live alone, I support myself, I do not need or want handouts at this stage of my life nor do I want her judging me. We live, have lived, will continue living lives lived very differently. I hate that she doesn't seem to think I'm capable when, in fact, I am. I've been looking after myself for a very long time. I must sometimes remember that I am allowed to make mistakes.