Saturday, August 11, 2007

Through the smoke rings of my mind.

I think I may be suffering from a seven year itch – only reversed. I wonder if that makes it a scratch. It certainly makes me want to scratch. It makes me want to scratch my veins out like a junkie on a very bad day.

Today I seem to be melancholy for things that I loathed at the time. I missed, but I don’t, the town I grew up in. Well, not so much missed as thought about. I want to go back and kick it in the cunt. I want to go back and tell it I’m boss. I want to go back as empress of the world but I’m not so I won’t. Besides, who there even remembers me?

I’m trying not to let myself slip into the delusion that those were simpler times. They were not. I might have been but they were not. They were as fraught, more fraught, than any other period. How long can you be unhappy for and be so in company? A very, very long time, I found.

Is it nostalgia? Can one be nostalgic for something hated?

I hate this feeling. It’s all very: Aw, where’ve ya been? Ah, there you are.

It can fuck off. Now.


colonel eggroll said...

"I want to go back and kick it in the cunt. I want to go back and tell it I’m boss. I want to go back as empress of the world but I’m not so I won’t. Besides, who there even remembers me?"

I know how you feel. The town I went to junior high and high school in was such a dump. And it's only gotten worse with age. Everyone I went to school with that stayed has either gotten fat, had tons of babies, or is some drunken loser. I've been thinking alot about them lately because of the dreaded high school reunion that will be coming up in two years. (Lol. sad, I'm thinking about it already!) I'm undecided on whether or not I'll go. I have a morbid curiosity, and also, I am totally different now, and would like to rub it in some people's faces. (I.e. I was a huge nerdy pushover in highschool, and now I am a cute little firecracker--or so I'd like to think!) I also have a feeling that a certain creepy and obsessive former friend will be there to start a fight with me, and I think it would be funny. No hilarious, especially if I can get her to cry.

I guess I am just a really mean person, and it's taken all of these years to finally come out. ;)

(Sorry for the long assed comment)

gerl said...

I think hankering after old pain is one of the fundamental things that stops people from freeing themselves from unnecessary unhappiness.

JahTeh said...

I'd like to be Bitch Queen of the Universe but I wouldn't go back, it'd be beneath me to acknowledge my underlings.

Mark said...

This post made me go and update my schoolfriends profile. I want to be there when it comes time for our reunion. Meanwhile it's not healthy to be too preoccupied with the past. Look to the future!

Bwca said...

ooh Colonel Eggroll's having a Romy & Michelle's Moment.
Good Onya.

I always think Bill Gate's school friends must write him some very interesting correspondence ...
I'm sorry I beat you up in final year. Would you finance my used car yard?

Bwca said...

So what's your School Reunion Fantasy?

Turning up with:
a famous hot partner,
a hot body and
a hot CV ?

it wouldn't be good.
like a petal floating in a puddle.
if your ex-classmates were worth seeing, then you would not have lost touch with them in the first place.

My last HSR was organised by the one who is now a Bigtime Corporate Mgr (of course) and when she got onto me about coming I was thrilled to say
" I am still besties with the same 3 schoolmates I had way back then and I don't want to see the rest again".

Caz said...

Nails, just like not blaming your parents for everything, there's a time limit on not looking back to our woeful youth.

Mostly people just get older, they get lives, and they stop thinking about that stuff, it fades away naturally, of it's own accord, and their heads and emotions are filled with entirely new shit.

Still, it's healthy and worthwhile to hurry that process along.

Put a strict time limit, say, five minutes, on such thoughts, then stop, and get on with your day.

Consider why it prays on your mind, given that you can't undo the past, it's an immovable object.

You can only change how your respond to the past.

Ideally, not responding is your goal, unless it's a happy thought, or something from which you feel you can learn in the present tense.

For the rest of it, sometimes, very often in fact, most especially when it comes to our younger selves, our younger lives, FIDO is your best defense.

Fuck it, drive on.

nailpolishblues said...

Mine's more, fuck it, get public transport on...
It was a momentary thing, well, more an evening thing - an irritating feeling of foreboding that I couldn't shake but it's shook now.
I always feel that I can learn, Caz. I don't always like what I learn though.

bwca - I do agree, especially about the three people I still keep in some kind of contact with. Still, there are people who I've lost contact with, for whatever reason, and I'd kind of like to see how they turned out is nothing else. And in answer to your Q - all three dammit!!

Mark - yeah, whatever. Bet you make your schoolfriends look kinda loserish too :p

jahteh - you write me a book now! I need a guide to ebging ruler of the world and you seem to have thought it out a bit.

gerl - gah! It's kinda negative reinforcement - sure it hurts but I'm feeling something and feelings are good, right? So wrong.

Colonel - Look how fucking awesome you turned out! Go back and rub it in.
There's nothing wrong with mean. It's quite a lot of fun sometimes.