For how long have I been bitching about feeling unwell? It must be a couple of weeks now. I have neither died nor gotten better nor managed to be ill. All I have managed is to be tired all the time and to have my eyes turn painful and twitchy on me. My hip hurts as well but who the fuck knows what that’s all about. I am starting to wonder if there’s really something wrong or if it’s just the accumulated stress and general torture that has been work these last few weeks. Such indecisive people, such liars and hypocrites, such tedious all-in meetings and pointless procedural changes, such pettiness and pointlessness, such odd behaviour for grown-ups. I am ashamed to work for these fools; I am ashamed to have stayed so long, I am ashamed that these people I know behave so very badly. On Friday I shall dress and be interviewed in what is, I suspect, a preliminary interview. I must have sleep this week, I must feel awake and alive and ready to be judged. I must put on a face and plead my worthiness. I must, subtly, tell them I can take any amount of shit when in reality I am at the end of my tether. All the tedious meetings did was tell us what we already knew – it is bad and the bad is going to get much, much worse. There is no denying it, it is factions and old hatreds rearing their heads, it is mismanagement and greediness and fools flying after money. Money, oh money, what a cursed thing you are. What a thing you are that I have spent too much of, that I care so little about, that I hold onto and laugh at this stupid pretend plasticy rubbish. I am tired and I have to co-ordinate myself. I have to feel ready rather than just tired. Probably, almost certainly, I can do this. I have learned that I can do almost anything I have to. It does not make me happy this thought. It makes me kind of sad. I would like to be one of those people who cannot do things, who are too delicate, too precious, whose minds break under the least strain. I envy those people. They are left alone. I can do it though, and I know it, even if it diminishes me I can do it.
In other news, my great aunt died tonight. I know I am sad about this, very sad, but I am also terribly relieved for her. I’m so glad I saw her before this last illness. She must have known she was dying, despite her talk of the cruises and trips she would take when she got better, she gave me a keepsake the last time I saw her. I’m quite pleased to have it now. The really awful thing is that we don’t think my great uncle will out live her for long. The poor, poor thing.