It’s been a long time since I wrote anything that wasn’t a complaint – as dictated by someone else – or the odd pathetic and largely ignored comment. I’ve had nothing to say. A lot of thoughts but to actually write about? No, haven’t the energy, haven’t the time, have completely lost my ability to deal with bullshit. To deal with all shit, actually.
I’m in a pretty dark place. It’s probably because I’m tired and run down and from this feel unloved and like a bad person – I move fast when I get all self-reflective, so help me. I probably am a bad person. I’m not much of a friend as evidenced by why seems to be an almost total lack of friends at the moment. People want to hang with everyone but me. I do understand. I wonder if it happens to other people – you’re good enough, as a friend when there’s no-one else around but… Oh yeah, with our buts we make the world.
Today was the first day of a three week break. I needed a break before I broke. I may still break. We’ll see. I needed the break from work where things continue to go to shit. I also needed a break to recuperate from that particularly nasty, non-pertussis virus that left me so very tired and weak. I still feel weak. That’s a frightening thing. I also needed a break from a month of on/off parental visiting. I’m a bad child, they wear me out. I need to stop justifying myself.
Worse than my parents is my sister’s major birth control failure which has both her and my mother needing psychiatric help. Do you think either of them will seek it? No. Better to break down slowly and take me with you. It’s more fun this way, don’t you see? Don’t you see? Actually, I don’t see.
This is sounding oddly like a series of complaints but maybe its better that I get it all out of my system. Get it out now and reflect later. Make a list and cross things off. Make time to go for a walk or hit my head against the wall. I have time so I’ll probably do both.
My head is tangled. My life is pretty straightforward but tedious. This will pass. I will make it pass. I will make it pass.
2 comments:
Nails, don't you just love family?
After a week of wanting to bang my head against a wall to hang on to what sanity I had left, I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to do what was right and ignore everybody else.
They're still driving me crazy but I'm handling it better.
Love? See, this is why I don't like love. You do love them but argh how intensely you can dislike those you love.
I think the only way to cope is Frank Gallagher style - a megafucktron of booze and drugs. Make poverty history etc etc.
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