Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here.

I am a world champion hater and at the moment I hate so much that it twists my gut and steals my appetite. As proof of a lack of a better me I hate you so much I've been wishing you dead. Harsh. I'm an honest bitch and I shouldn't say these things. Sometimes, however, I have to let it out so as not to destroy myself. Ironically, letting it out undoubtedly destroys me in the eyes of others. Where to go when you're down? You go nowhere, honey, 'cause there's just nowhere to go and then oh one one day you drag yourself up. Or over. Or just plain out.

There's more than one out.

And the day comes when you can't stand the curtains anymore and you throw them away. You change the look and the feel and you fucking well move on.

I can't be here any longer. I can't be the caricatured character of a sliver of my self. I can't be your nicknames for me. I can't be the person I was. I can't even be the person I wasn't who, in the end, simply wasn't good enough. Most important, for the moment, is that I can't be this anymore.

Once I could have cut you in an uncomplicated mental ritual. Obliterated you from my life and purged the memories. To tell truth I've done some of that but I can't bring myself back to the drama of the past. I can't do it anymore. Let it fade away; it will soon enough. Let it fade and me with it.

As I've heard so many times - I'll see you on the flipside.

110 comments:

Mitzi G Burger said...

Hope it's a safe journey from here to the flipside. See you there.

Mark said...

Man, even I feel better now that you've gotten that off your chest. Feels liberating.

nailpolishblues said...

Mitzi, I've flipped and sorted already but I haven't written anything yet so it remains an empty house - so to speak.

Mark, it's like tearing off an ill-fitting bra.

Mark said...

Yeah, I'm not sure that's the best analogy to help me understand.

All my bras fit perfectly.

nailpolishblues said...

Mark, you smaller breasted girls have a much easier time finding well fitted bras. I understand.

Mark said...

Wow. I'm learning stuff about women now.

nailpolishblues said...

Isn't it about time, sweetie?

BourbonBird said...

Call me lazy but, speaking for myself only here, hating takes up more energy than it's worth.

Take up fishing. :P

nailpolishblues said...

Rins, you know how lazy I am. If I could stop this - and I've tried so hard - I would. It just keeps bubbling up randomly. The best I can do is keep most of it to myself. Not that that's particularly good either.

Fishing? How about I sit there with a book while you fish? There's a whole dirty hands thing about fishing that just doesn't appeal.

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Pomgirl said...

Sorry it has taken me so long to comment but I must have missed this post and then wondered why you were so quiet. I will miss your writing and hope if you start blogging again, or start writing somewhere else that you will let me know.

Take care,

Px

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