I am having some serious birthday blues. Blues, indeed, barely begins to describe the funk that I am in. [This is the part where I’d like to be one of those people for whom everything is someone else’s fault. Alas, I know that’s not true and I cannot be bothered with that particular set of personal illusions.] The problem really stems from my post-whatever apathy and the fact that I’ve spent something like a year just treading water and clinging to outmoded ways of doing things. There is much that I have outgrown mentally that persists as physical habit. Oh but it’s frustrating to be me…
There is also a certain melancholy that has stained my last couple of birthdays of which I fear repetition. Relatively minor mishaps, disasters, overblown drama queen bullshit – but still lingering and, as is my wont, much thought over. Probably stupid, then, to offer up a night out as a partial birthday celebration [entirely coincidental]. [Here is where I hear doom foretold in the haunting cry of a curlew. I may even be imagining hearing curlews.]
I cannot quite decide what the matter is and if pressed, I should merely state that I want to be left alone for quite a while to enjoy some solitude, some thought, some time without demand. If only it could be. I do not think that it is aging that depresses me. I do not want to be who I used to be. I do not want to be young and arrogant and utterly foolish and facile with it. I do not want to be thoughtless of others. But, again, I do not want to be immolated on someone else’s alter. I am not the self-sacrificing sort and have no time for martyrs. Perhaps that is the root of the problem – I have been martyring myself to situations. It goes, shall we say, against the grain. Time will, as ever it does, fade my thoughts and I will continue heedless. It will be done soon enough, I will be older, I may become wiser – ah, so much room for growth.
There are lighter notes and I am not beyond noting them: as of Tuesday my nose will have been pierced for ten years with nary a break; I have already received a birthday card; I have also received two offers of entertainment and all manner of funness; Adam [I will be paid in alcohol for the plug] is coming on the 2nd - there are other fabulous yeses but none from quite so far afield [I think he wants to be praised in song]; and, of course, birthdays are an excuse for copious alcohol consumption.
Should anyone be looking [oh haha] for that special something as a wee gifty then my wish list includes, but is not confined to - nerdy boys, alcohol, did I mention alcohol, fine and abundant nerdy boys, the same of chocolate, all manner of writing and written stuffs – especially if in praise of me, http://www.mcphee.com/items/M6127.html - these, wine, nerdy boys and song. Pretty comprehensive indeed.