Friday, November 18, 2005

Something in the way

I am having some serious birthday blues. Blues, indeed, barely begins to describe the funk that I am in. [This is the part where I’d like to be one of those people for whom everything is someone else’s fault. Alas, I know that’s not true and I cannot be bothered with that particular set of personal illusions.] The problem really stems from my post-whatever apathy and the fact that I’ve spent something like a year just treading water and clinging to outmoded ways of doing things. There is much that I have outgrown mentally that persists as physical habit. Oh but it’s frustrating to be me…
There is also a certain melancholy that has stained my last couple of birthdays of which I fear repetition. Relatively minor mishaps, disasters, overblown drama queen bullshit – but still lingering and, as is my wont, much thought over. Probably stupid, then, to offer up a night out as a partial birthday celebration [entirely coincidental]. [Here is where I hear doom foretold in the haunting cry of a curlew. I may even be imagining hearing curlews.]
I cannot quite decide what the matter is and if pressed, I should merely state that I want to be left alone for quite a while to enjoy some solitude, some thought, some time without demand. If only it could be. I do not think that it is aging that depresses me. I do not want to be who I used to be. I do not want to be young and arrogant and utterly foolish and facile with it. I do not want to be thoughtless of others. But, again, I do not want to be immolated on someone else’s alter. I am not the self-sacrificing sort and have no time for martyrs. Perhaps that is the root of the problem – I have been martyring myself to situations. It goes, shall we say, against the grain. Time will, as ever it does, fade my thoughts and I will continue heedless. It will be done soon enough, I will be older, I may become wiser – ah, so much room for growth.

There are lighter notes and I am not beyond noting them: as of Tuesday my nose will have been pierced for ten years with nary a break; I have already received a birthday card; I have also received two offers of entertainment and all manner of funness; Adam [I will be paid in alcohol for the plug] is coming on the 2nd - there are other fabulous yeses but none from quite so far afield [I think he wants to be praised in song]; and, of course, birthdays are an excuse for copious alcohol consumption.

Should anyone be looking [oh haha] for that special something as a wee gifty then my wish list includes, but is not confined to - nerdy boys, alcohol, did I mention alcohol, fine and abundant nerdy boys, the same of chocolate, all manner of writing and written stuffs – especially if in praise of me, http://www.mcphee.com/items/M6127.html - these, wine, nerdy boys and song. Pretty comprehensive indeed.

8 comments:

Mark said...

lol, I saw 'Adam is coming on the 2nd' and then looked at the link location, which told 'adam isn't going anywhere'. What do I believe?

Wonder what's got you down. Or is it just a general 'universe not good enough for me thing'?

nailpolishblues said...

Ah, for that answer you'll now need to follow the yello-linked-road and read the blog.

If I decide that the universe isn't good enough for me do I get to go to a whole new one - just for comparison's sake?

Up The Beach said...

Birthdays. Christmas. Even poor old seemingly harmless Easter. Seriously, fuck 'em all - they just get in the way.

Mind you - I have been on the drink, and have got the word verification wrong 6 times thus far.

nailpolishblues said...

Word verification makes me feel dyslexic at the best of times. I almost always stuff up the first attempt.

BourbonBird said...

I think someone should get a Sybian for their birthday...

[alas, while I would LOVE to be the one presenting you with such a gift, I am too broke. Plus, I'd buy myself one before getting anyone else one.]

So who's coming to this muchly anticipated birthday/old mate visiting/unofficial grogblog blowout?

nailpolishblues said...

Shit, I thought you knew who was coming. I've no idea. You, me, Anastasia, Adam, shall-be-left-nameless, and then I have a whole ... thing going on.

I just googled Sybian. At work. I should have just waited. And asked.

JtH said...

Ah melancholy. The down time for the soul that gives time free hand to be away from you doing whatever it does when the days pass too slowly to bear. The best part about being at the bottom of the circle that life follows is that upwards is the next direction. The second best thing is that we are coming to be drunk with you in a week or two, and that can't be a bad thing. I'm trying to get the Missus to come too, (no she hasn't been unconcsious), but she seems to think she has something on with the "gurls" that night. We shall wait and see.

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