Tuesday, August 29, 2006

And that was.

My hands are cracked and bleeding. I’m always forgetting to put cream on them, something to make them soft and supple. They’re all harsh and cracked.

I lay in bed last night and shivered. I wasn’t cold. It was early and I didn’t want to be there. I know this is going to be a bad week; I already want it over, done and gone. It’ll drudge on and I will shiver in my bed.

I’m feeling quite unbalanced. Irritable without cause; this week is really no worse than last week but I feel less able to cope. Today I couldn’t cope with being treated badly. I wasn’t happy with it yesterday either. On Sunday it really got me down and in getting me down repeated itself until I drank myself ill and failed to feel better.
I feel insecure and unstable. I feel unbalanced. I feel like crying, weeping, giving in to it. I hate crying, weeping, giving in to it. It’s too ridiculous when you’re alone. It’s too ridiculous when there’s nothing really wrong.

I had all these things I meant to do but everything’s shifted for this week and I barely have the energy to be tired. I do not have the stamina for work. I am being petty and bitchy and a ridiculous gossip – everyone is more interesting than me, even when they’re not. I don’t want to think about all the things that are wrong but I’ve forgotten what the right is.

Fuck this. I don’t need it.

I think it’s time for Mile High and chocolate ice-cream. Real life be damned.


themarina said...

Sometimes we just need time to re-charge. I hope you're feeling a bit better. And I know it's not your style but a good cry is never wrong. I find it works for me but, it doesn't work for everyone. *hugs*

nailpolishblues said...

I would, Marina, but it just won't come.

Enny said...

Hope you're feelin a lil better today?

nailpolishblues said...

I still feel retty rough, Enny. Thanks for asking though.

I feel like my neck and back are out - as is the rest of my life. So. Bloody. Irritating.

mhe said...

I feel you on this. The old girl and I broke up. I moved. I'm always at work or school. I'm poor. The only difference is that I force myself to find good things in my life so I don't go bonkers. MAybe I haven't hit that bottom yet, but I keep my eyes on the future.

I hope you feel better. You don;t deserve to feel like shit (That I know of anyways.)

Mark said...

Yeah, I second that.

Not to sound rude or paternal or anything, but you need to talk to someone. Preferably a professional - they can really help you sort things out. You shouldn't have to drudge on under poor conditions or feel disconnected from those around you. It ain't normal and it ain't noble either. Trust me.

lucy said...

For your hands try Hemp hand cream from the Body Shop, tis wonderful for really dry skin.

Smells like dirt and hippies but does great things for skin.

nailpolishblues said...

A professional what though?

Making the staff feel like shit is all part of the service with the Cunts inc company I work for. Apparently the new broom wants us as down-trodden as possible or maybe just lacks people skills in a huge way.

Don't get me wrong - I've been enjoying life in my own peculiar way, it's just that this last week or so has been a bit shitty and I'm taking on problems that aren't mine and emotions that I should leave alone. Sometimes you just swing low.
Some things I can't see an end to - like the debt but it comes from choices that I've made and that are right for me. I don't have to live alone in such an expensive city, I didn't have to have the education [or I could have at least studied law so I could get a proper job!], I don't even have to live the way I do - they're things I choose. I could even be working harder to get a new job and though I want one I read those ads and suddenly forget that I am intelligent and capable, that I am skilled and work my fucking arse off, and the thousand other things that I actually do but find it difficult to believe that it is anything but common in employees. I am in one motherfucker of a rut but I will eventually get out of it. [And I'm gonna whine shitloads about it first!]

nailpolishblues said...

Lucy, I have about a hundred things for my poor hands - I just never quite get around to using them.
Dirt and hippies? How unlovely.

Rebecca said...

Hi Nails,
I've got the same problem. My doctor put me on a couple of creams, and they do help a little. They stop the bleeding at least.
If you want to know what they are, I will have to get out of bed and find the names, let me know. I think one was steroid based.

nailpolishblues said...

You know, Rebecca, when you said 'my doctor' I thought you were going to offer me pills! I'm now terribly disappointed.
Pretty much any creams will work on my hands if only I get around to using them! I've even got a little tub of that stuff they put on babies [fr nappyrash or something] works like a charm.

Mark said...

I see. Well, whine away then. And you may as well wine away at the same time... ha ha!

nailpolishblues said...

Alas, it'll have to be beer or vodka as the only wine I have in the house is some kind of bubbly and I'm not up to drinking a whole bottle right now ;P