Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I recognized you by your voice.

The fates couldn’t be so cruel. And I say it over: the fates couldn’t be so cruel. I remember, sometimes, that I don believe in the fates or predestination or luck – good or bad – or anyone out there paying attention and looking after. It all seems rather silly that anyone or anything would care enough to play such petty games. I don’t believe. I am alone.

For, perhaps, the first time in my life I feel lonely. Really deep down bone lonely. It’s not a feeling I’m used to. I don’t, as a rule, need others. I don’t really need others now. I just need to be wanted and I’m not.

I’m the last one left and not going anywhere. Not wanted by any and sat like a lump in the corner. The lump grows larger, the shell is thicker, the persona falser by the day. Up, up, always up and smooth and measured and never put off. The mask is on and staying.

I’m the fat kid getting picked last. The odd one out. The one keeping score because, really, no-one wants me in the game. I think I’ve gone from treading water to drowning. The things I want so much are taken by others. I’ve started to stop hoping.

My body is messed up and not adjusting well. My head is messed up and not adjusting at all. I need about a year in a mental hospital being shocked in-between bouts of making macramé owls. I need drugs of hideous strength and incapacitation. I’m days from knocking off my father’s meds.

I was recognized only by my voice. It must have said fuck you because that’s as polite as I get to you. I will be the bitch for it because I’ll wear the tag. You’re just another reminder of my failure and I have a lifetime of those.


Mitzi G Burger said...

The kind of loneliness of which you speak is not uncommon, it has bitten be badly in the past. We should get together and howl into our mochas. I am happy to listen to you howl as I put some of my helpers and friends on howling observation duty. Also there is nothing like a holiday in India were every one of the billion people wants you, loves you and thinks you're amazing.

Dan the VespaMan said...

Occasionally, in a weird way, loneliness has it's positives. I remember once being in New York, a place teeming with folks of all kinds who barely looked in my direction and reminded me of insignificance. For some reason I enjoyed being part of the human commotion without the emotional attachment to individual people. Not something one wishes for all the time, but the chance to indulge in a period of selfish behaviour which perhaps we all should enjoy every now and then.

nailpolishblues said...

Mitzi, not uncommon perhaps but not terribly me. I'm very insular. The offer of coffee sounds grand. Or even beer.

Dan, that is exactly why I like living in big cities. I am not normally perturbed by my isolation. I think my body chemistry is out of whack or something.