Monday, February 13, 2006

Just because

Some people are always hard done by. Don’t try to compete even if they pressure you. It is just their thing in life and you need to accept it and move on. If you do try to compete, for whatever reason, you will find in very short order that they were abused as a child by Satan worshiping neo-Nazis whose penchant for panpipe music stalks them as they try to find relief in some kind of new age hippy store. Those bastards also killed select members of their family, killed Kenny, disappeared other family members, mutilated their teddy bear, made Teddy participate in some extremely bizarre S&M Hitler kinkorama picnic, as well as stealing their money. The evildoers also stole the memories [for up to eighty years] which were found whilst undergoing hypnotherapy with a therapist who was abusing them with a set of panpipes whilst ‘under’. The eureka moment will not help them in any way as they will need to spend another eighty odd years wallowing in their panpipe hell and sharing it with everyone who comes along. Nothing in your life will ever compare to the enormity of their life. Nothing. And they will never let you forget any moment of the above. So much so, in fact, that you’ll start wishing that you’d lived their life instead of them just so that you can get some kind of closure. You may choose to gnaw off an arm rather than get stuck with them for more than five seconds.
The next time you see them they will tell you about how they wished they had an arm to gnaw off but had unfortunately lost theirs in a nasty helicopter bungee incident in their youth. They did not choose to bungee but were forced into it by their controlling partner of the time. Their next controlling partner was rather sweet about the whole thing but was anally retentive and, despite loving them ever so adoringly if a trifle dictatorially, had them remove the other arm in the interests of symmetry. At this point you may be slightly confused to see the said limbs still attached to their torso in the usual manner but they will explain to you that this happened in their previous [or was that future? Time is such a funny thing.] life. They will then tell you that this was discovered by a hypnotherapist who was attempting to uncover their intimidating fondness for swastikas but who proved a charlatan and was later arrested for feeling the boobies of unconscious clients. One of the hands that shouldn’t be there will be fiddling with a breast at the time. As they tell you how they are haunted by those phantom limbs you will notice swastikas of varying sizes tattooed up their arm and a heavy gold signet ring with the same insignia on what would normally be a pinkie.
You will then hear the terrible tale of how they were tortured at school for having been born with an extra digit. As you point out that they presently only have five on each hand - if a little oddly placed, they will tell you how their stepfather removed their ring finger with an axe after an argument about sexual appeal and the likelihood of marriage. Had the marriage been to the stepfather it would have been okay but he was clearly mad with jealousy at the possibility of them sexing anyone else. At this point you will be contemplating how to escape and never see this person again and deciding whether it would be better to chew off another arm or to sew your mouth shut lest it once more betrays you into showing any interest. They will then throw themselves at you for a hug and cry about how you are the best person, the best friend, they’ve ever had before inviting themselves to your house. You will escape the terrible fate that awaits by having a lung spontaneously collapse as your body attempts to save you. When finally you escape hospital you will be walking the street one day and chance to see the whole performance enacted upon another stranger. You will sneak away. You will move cities and change your identity. You will forever live a certain edge of paranoia.



*Disclaimer: if you think I’m talking about you please seek some professional help/suicide/remain in a padded cell forever as your paranoia has clearly gotten the better of you. If this is your life story…oops….*

13 comments:

chuffed_enuff said...

I think you would love http://girlsarepretty.com

In fact, i am beginning to suspect that you are the author of that website...

Mark said...

Oh great, the 'give Mark a mullet' club...

I think we all know that kind of person. I, for one, know several of that person. Still, I'm nonplussed by the usual Nailsish lack of dirt and personal details.

nailpolishblues said...

You have a very suspicious mind, Mark-the-mullet. Alas, I don't know any octogenarians with formerly repressed memories and too much time and money on their hands to be spent on hypnotherapy [though I'm sure the stories would be great]. I admit that this was part of something else that took a tangential turn. One day the something else may be finished and may wind up here.

Chuffed - damn I wish I was. Good stuff.

Huggies said...

Life is shit sometimes I guess. Just need to pick ourselves up and keep going.

Mark said...

PS: I so kicked yr butt in today's trivia. U lose rEtArD :P

nailpolishblues said...

I've been meaning to ask if that was you...
DAMN! I will have my revenge, oh yes, revenge I will have!

themarina said...

i think you need to write a book. seriously.

Rachy said...

I love it when these hard done by people try to outdo each other, it's hilarious to watch

JtH said...

I thought I left a comment on this one earlier. Must give away the hard drugs. No, it's probably best if I sell them.

nailpolishblues said...

No no JtH GIVE them away...give them to meeeeeeeeeee!

[uses old Jedi mind trick to bad effect]

Mark said...

Haha! Gotcha. 829.

nailpolishblues said...

Bah! I'm still whipping your arse boy!

TimT said...

This is fabulous. Oh, did I forget to say that before? Let me say it again. This is fabulous.