Friday, December 01, 2006

I have this little problem…

Someone’s flicked the switch on my libido. I’m now struggling to stop myself from attacking men in the street. I almost jumped the guy in the next department at work on Wednesday – he must have sensed danger ‘cause he left early and edged his way out the door before bolting down the hall and out to freedom. Actually, I’m becoming quite fixated on him owing to a certain sexiness that is, quite frankly, at odds with his personality [he’s a cock][hmmm, maybe not the best description][damn, need to get that image out of my head][stupid, stupid me]. Despite his, uh, personality flaws he’s one of those rare people who totally electrifies me. I am very aware of him. [Daydreams…] Yes, where was I? Oh yeah, my present state of being is not being helped by my kind concerned friends. One of whom keeps singing what is aptly described as a fucking tune to me. She phoned me up this morning and sang just to mess with me. By that time I was already messed having spent a good hour listening to Jarvis. That man’s voice is enough to…oh but I digress… Hmmm, yes, the problem is so bad that I briefly thought of actually attempting to get myself a shag and the varying ways I might go about doing it [by which I mean the getting of not the doing of]. On Wednesday I seriously thought of just jumping, er, him and having my way – there is a name for this but it presently escapes me. And then I thought of some kind of advertising system but realised that I’d probably only pick of up a gaggle of chubby chasers and feeders and, quite frankly, while I’m pretty desperate I’m not that desperate yet. There’s really something quite off putting about being a generic object of a fetish, isn’t there? Irritatingly, that only leaves the good old fashioned method of trying to pick up. Trying is almost never successful [see above about fetishists] and most of my accidental pick ups end up going off with my company. Also, I do tend to be a bit shy/pathologically weird around strangers. Want ego-death? Approach me!
Ugh, I have no real solution to this, or, at least, none that don’t require far too much effort on my part. Maybe if I ignore it it’ll go away. And, for fuck’s sake, don't mention SEX!

19 comments:

mhe said...

Every. Day. Of. My. Life.

I told myself "No more sex until you get to yourself Australia". I had my reasons. Now, those reasons seem to have left me alone in a swirl of boner.

I actually wish I still had those reasons. Zoinks!

treespotter said...

try getting really really drunk. either you'll get some or you wouldn't be able to think of some.

always works.

Mish said...

Actually I think the weather brings this out. The hotter the weather, the hotter you feel if you know what I mean.

mhe said...

mish, I don't know about that. It's cold as fuck here in Chicago (snow everywhere! My feet are saked from walking to work!) and I'm randy as a Newman.

nailpolishblues said...

mhe - great, you make a conscious choice and I end up with a fucking drought [pun not intended, though noted] - same boat - no idea what I'm trying to say here - shall give up.

tree - see the bit on nasty liver.

Mish - it's not the weather, or not just the weather, quite a few factors.

mhe - ...

Mark said...

A 'fucking tune'? What was it?

The only things that come to mind are Prince, Peaches or the Dirty Three...

nailpolishblues said...

I don't think it's a proper song in that sense, Mark. It's a little bop-bop thing - I can describe it, I can't sing it, and I can't remember until I hear it. It's annoying though. SHe's meant to be sending it to me so if she ever manages it I'll pass it on.

mhe said...

My choice may have been conscious, but It's not like reality has been trying to pull me back into the game.

nailpolishblues said...

Reality is a bitch. Fuck her. :p

Anonymous said...

bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm bowm

Armagnac Esq. said...

As a chap, and one who still vaguely remembers his single days, I can say that the direct approach was not a negative in my humble view.

I had a female friend who had this massive fixation with a particular guy, he was a bit shy and she wanted to jump him but was scared that he might say no and it would all be stuffed. I gave her sagely advice: men find it hard to push a woman's head out of their lap.

It bears thinking about. Good luck

nailpolishblues said...

Armagnac, it would be very bad manners to push a lady out of the way whilst she was busy! I suspect that the direct approach, coming from me, with this particular young man would need to involve a club. Think caveman.

Anonymous, like I don't know that's you Rhiannon!

glen said...

do it

:)

mhe said...

If reality were tangible at this point, there would be hate fucking.

nailpolishblues said...

mhe, I feel the same way about reality.

Glen, do what? 'Hi this is my head in your lap [oh, and 'hi' to entire rest of office who're watching]!' Or, *thwack* *drag* *drag* [sings] 'I stole me a man/boy, He's gonna be my new toy, I will get lots of joy [until the prick wakes up]!'**

**yes, I know, awful. It's late so gimme a break.

themarina said...

I like treespotter's suggestion. It's one that's worked for me in the past. As for feeders....I was just recently introduced to this and I have to say...it's disturbing to the point that it makes me ill. Not sure why because there are worse things but this one just sits very, very wrong with me.

nailpolishblues said...

Hehehe, Marina, thanks to late night SBS, living in Australia, and very open family and friends I know all about a whole lot of things like this thats I'd rather have never known existed. It's really quite the sickest thing isn't it?
Drinking too much always works for me - one way or another.

serrin said...

I have two suggestions.

Option 1 - the nightclub pick up.
a) Walk into a nightclub, find a guy you are attracted to (this is the hardest part, sadly I have no ideas on "how" to actually achieve this step, it's just luck).
b) when you find him, smile at him broadly and directly, then glance away shyly. wait a few moments and look up and smile at him again, then repeat the shy thing.
c) wait. he will come over.
d) if he doesn't come over order a stronger drink - alcohol solves all problems!
This one worked for me. ;)

Option 2 - the website shag
a) go to one of those sex websites (adultmatchmaker.com, aussie[something - matchmaker?].com, there are bound to be more), stick a photo of your cleavage on there and say something like "i want casual sex with a man"
b) sort through the thousands of responses until you get one that doesn't say "i'm gonna fuck you hard"
c) meet him for coffee and shag him ten minutes later
This one worked for my good mate who now has *three* lovers to choose from.

Option 3 - the sex shop shag
a) buy a vibrator
b) use it
This one worked for Charlotte on Sex and the City.

serrin said...

Option four: that was three suggestions. Too much sex leads to lack of counting ability. oops.